Monday, May 29, 2017

Desperate Measures

No, no, no, no! You can’t do this to me. I need you to stay healthy and pretty. If you die my boss will kill me. 

Before he went to Bali, he said ‘Just make sure the cat has enough food and the ficus in the corner stays alive.’

My boss never talks to me, just sends me lots of memos, so he must have cared a lot to use his actual voice to talk to an insignificant minion like me.

He told me you were a sturdy plant. If that’s true, why are you looking so downcast today?

Maybe if I move you to the balcony, you’ll do better. Oh my God, I didn’t know you were so heavy… Gently does it… I don’t want to drop you.

What’s this? What’s with all the leaves? No, don’t! Don’t drop them! It’s not autumn or anything… And I’ve been watering you everyday. Maybe I’ve watered you too much. Yeah, that must be it. Okay then. No more water till Sunday.

I’m really worried. You look dry. What should I do? This is so confusing… You know, my job is on the line. If you die on me, I’ll be fired. You don’t want that, do you? 

People say plants have feelings, but you don’t seem to care much. I’m at my wits’ end. Let’s see, I’ll look for some info on the internet. 

Here, I found you. Houseplants. Ficus. I know what’s wrong with you. The office is too hot and the balcony is too cold. Where can I take you? Maybe to my flat. I’ll call a taxi. You’ll enjoy being with me at night.

I wonder if you hear what I’m saying. Do you like the idea? Or would you rather stay here? Wait a minute. It says on this page it’s not good to move plants because they are used to their customary spot. So I’ll let you stay then…

Do you feel like some fertilizer? I’ll go to the corner shop and buy you some… and then I’ll go and feed the cat.

I wonder why the boss is so attached to you. He seems to love you more than he loved any of his ex-wives. Maybe you were a present from his sick grandma. Oops! I don’t like the idea. It makes the need to preserve you even greater.

Let’s think of a less dramatic possibility. Maybe you’re the only thing he got on his first divorce. Yeah, I like that better.

What’s that noise? Don’t tell me he’s coming back already?

Why is he looking at me like that? I left the window of his apartment open? And the cat escaped? Oh no!

Well, on the bright side you’re still alive… barely. 


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